


thanatophobia

by last_beginning



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Discussion of Death, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, i have a lot of thoughts about caduceus' relationship with death, this is uhhh VERY sad yall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:14:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23238289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/last_beginning/pseuds/last_beginning
Summary: Caduceus has grown up with death. It has fed him and shown him faith. He does not fear it.But now he does.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Fjord, Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 10
Kudos: 104





	thanatophobia

Caduceus was raised to never be scared of death. His world was built on graves and lore of death, of the Grove and the Kiln and the Menagerie. Of the Clays and Dusts and Stones. From a young age, he saw his parents and family tend to the dead of the town beyond his walls. 

When he was a kid, back when the time was nothing he counted, his grandfather died. A deep sense of hurt had entered Caduceus’ chest then, but his family had comforted him. Death was natural. The Wildmother was going to take them somewhere they would never feel pain, or sick, or exhausted. The Wildmother would watch over them forever.

He drank his grandfather soon after.

Then, one day, his family left. Pair after pair after pair. And he was alone, and he trusted them, and he did not fear death. He understood it. But then they didn’t come home, and worry snuck into his traitorous heart, and he still smiled and washed it away with his faith.

Then, one day, a group of broken people came into his garden and offered him an escape. He hated how easy it was to take that offer. They told him of the death that had befallen someone they loved.

Then, one day, he killed, and he let himself kill. He killed horrible people, and he gave his friends the strength to kill, and he was okay with it. He turned their bodies into mulch, and he drank them.

Then, one day, he learned the tale of the woman dead, brought back through the twisted mirror and her own nightmares. 

Then, one day, he died. Only the help of Jester and the Traveler and the Wildmother gave him life, let him continue to breathe and love and find his family and fix his home, and he didn’t want to die again.

Then, one day, they killed a man intent on bringing destruction, and destruction was brought, and he turned their own. And he watched as Yasha tried to kill them, unable to stop herself from destruction as laughing echoed and echoed.

Then, one day, Nott died, her own bravery leading to recklessness leading to death. Killed with nothing but the click of a chest lock refusing to open. Brought back barely in time.

Then, one day, he discovered his family, frozen into statues for years, unfeeling and unaware of everything. He discovered the Stones, with the same fate for longer, and watched as people were destroyed by a metallic bull with only hatred in its heart. He watched as his aunt was smashed into pieces, and he watched as Jester fought tooth and nail to bring her back. 

Then, one day, his paladin died. His paladin was killed by his patron, angered from losing him and what he held in his chest, the rain falling and falling onto the deck to mask Caduceus’ tears. Then, one day, Orly got in the way and was cut down as well. An innocent life took over vengeance and greed. 

And then, one day, he sits below deck, teacup quietly held in his hands, lifted from the table to keep it from clinking softly in his shaking hands. He could not sleep, even after the guardian had stayed over Fjord’s bed with resolution Caduceus whished he could still feel. The soft rocking of the boat was a constant quiet hum in the back of his head, and he sipped his tea.

The silence was interrupted by creaking footsteps, and Caduceus reached for his staff, setting down his tea and walking in the direction, only to pause as Fjord’s sleepy form came into the kitchen, wearing his sleep clothes and the glow of the guardian a few feet behind him. “Duecey?” He asked, his voice tired and soft, and Caduceus felt a pang of affection and grief and longing sweep in his chest. “What’re you doing up?”

“Just having some tea,” he responded, voice soft and gentle, trying to quell any quiver. “Get some rest.” Fjord frowned and moved over to the table, sitting across from him. “Fjord…”

He reached across the table to touch Caduceus’ cup, cold but still fairly full. “What’s wrong?” He winced, and looked away, not needing an answer. “That’s a stupid question.”

“It’s not,” Caduceus mumbled, trying to comfort. He needed to comfort. It’s what they needed. “It’s okay.”

“Then what’s wrong?” Fjord touched Caduceus’ hand where it rested on the table, catching Caduceus’ gaze even as he tried to look away. 

He sat, and brought his hands to his tea, slipping his hand from Fjord’s grip with the slightest tug of loss at his heartstrings. “You know how my family is with death,” he began. “I’ve seen a lot of dead bodies and made tea from half as many.”

“I recall, yeah. I think you told your family you were gonna share the tea you made out of us with them?” His voice held cautious curiosity, which was fair for people that did not know his family’s customs. 

Caduceus chuckled humorlessly. “Yeah. I did.” He sipped his cold tea. “I’ve been fine with it for so long. But now… I think I’m afraid of death.” The silence of the sea rocked the kitchen like a cradle, the glow of the guardian silent and everlasting over Fjord’s shoulder.

Fjord let out a low breath, and a sad smile crossed his face. “Welcome to the rest of us mortals, Duecey.”

He looked down into his cup of tea, and his hands shook. “One day, you’re all going to be gone.” His voice shook softly, and his vision blurred. “One day, I’ll be all alone. I’m going to live long enough to lose all of you.” The silence drew on, and he heard the creak of the chair, and a green hand eventually placed itself on Caduceus’ cheek and another on his knee, tilting his head to look at Fjord next to him, sorrow etched on his face like years had gone by in seconds. 

“It’s terrifying, isn’t it?” Fjord’s voice was soft, and Caduceus leaned into his hand and nodded. “I can’t tell you something to make it better, Cad. It’s true. But we’ve got some time. And as long as I can, I’ll help you distract yourself, and you can distract me too.” 

Caduceus felt the tear stains cover Fjord’s hand, and he shivered and sobbed into Fjord’s shoulder as he leaned into him, with the slow rocking of the waves beneath them.

One day, Fjord would die. One day, he would lose Caleb. One day, he would lose Beau. One day, he would lose Jester. One day, he would lose Veth. One day, he would lose Yasha. One day, he would lose everyone he loved.

But for now, he was in a kitchen on a boat, rocked softly by the waves as a silent guardian watched over them, crying into the shoulder of his paladin, allowing himself to find comfort as he felt smaller than he had ever felt before.


End file.
